mannnda (:

Jun 10, 2009

i dont know who am i

i opened my eyes in the morning and
i felt so pissed because
i didnt get sleep last night.

i ate my breakfast and
drank my apple juice.
i changed into my
pe attire and got ready to leave.

i reached school and
called yanyong and
asked them whether he reached school.

he said he had not reach school yet but
i saw eunice adrian and him walking up the
stairs of the canteen and
yanyong said they just arrived.

i walked beside them and
then yanyong told me to go away
because i am a sc and
they hated scs.

adrian ask me what happened to my
fringe and i said that i had always pinned it
up.
he told me that i should not keep doing that
because he wanted to see the obasan hair.

we sat on the lockers of a sec two classroom and
adrian said this was the first time he saw that
my socks were so high.
i said that this was my normal length and
asked if whether socks veryhigh or socks verylow really mattered at all.

yanyong called me an actguaikia sc and
said that it did matter.
i quivered.
i calmly walked to the toilet and i started crying.

is it so bad to be a sc.
is it so bad to follow school rules.
is it so bad to pin up my fringe?

i came out of the cubicle holding the
wet toilet paper i cleaned my face with and
i realised my eyes were blood red.

i stayed in the toilet for a while and
practised looking normal again.
i headed back to the lockers and hui wen had just
reached school.
she asked if i was crying as my eyes were still red
and i shook my head and sniffed
and said no.

drills started and
i was in the same group as
rachel, beatrice, adrian, huiwen.
i totally screwed drills up
and my leg was not 90 degrees at all
and i was the lagger.
huiee gave us break.

after break i still
continued to be a lagger and my leg was screwed
so yuping one on one me.
after a while it was ok though i felt stupid
and then my leg was still screwed
i felt pathetic
that i could not even do a simple thing correct.

my eyes felt hot and suddenly a tear just rolled down and
i sniffed.
yuping asked me whether i was unwell and i shook my head.
but she gave me 3 min break and
said to me to rejoin the rest after break.

i walked to the toilet and i burst.

why cant i do something so simple, so right?
why cant i do something so simple so right?
is it so bad to be a sc.
is it so bad to follow school rules.
is it so bad to pin up my fringe?
why cant i do anything right?

my eyes became red again and
i practised my smiling and
thought that everything was going to be alright.
i practised being happy again before exiting the toilet.

i went back and
found out the beatrice felt like vomiting and
huiwen had an asthma attack and
so they were resting on the bench.

after a few mins,
we asked gerald for permission to rejoin group.
he said ok and we did drills
and i tried not to screw up.

after all the drills, hell subsided and
band was dismissed.
it was okay for awhile and
i had cranberry
so i set her up and started playing.

everyone was waiting for ql to open store room.
eunice asked me if she could play my clarinet and
because it was a new clarinet and i didnt want her to
break another one of my reed (again, esp cause the reed i was using
was the one yy and her gave me) i said no.

yanyong said
she sure say no cause
amanda is so selfish.

i wondered to myself whether i did anything wrong
was it wrong to protect my clarinet and
i was pissed because yanyong always
insulted me.

i got so worked up i said
is it wrong to protect my clarinet?
i said it so pissed-ly that everyone (jolene, huiwen, adrian, valerie, samantha, eunice)
kept quiet.
i got up and said that
i wanted to go home
and i went to the other side of the pillar to
disassemble my clarinet.

i dont know why i am such a sissy idiot that
i started the water works again
and started sniffing.
again.

huiwen and eunice told me to stop crying
and i burst again.
'i dont know why i am ugly, you think i want to be?'
'is being an sc so bad?'
'am i really an actguaikia?'
'i hate this school.'
'i just want to get a transfer to sota.'
'i dont know where to go now.'
'i dont want to go home.'

and then huiwen told me to stop being so pesermistic
and look to the brighter side.

as i stared down onto the uneven grass
and the drain i wondered whether
i would die or just break my leg
if i actually jumped.

tears couldnt stop flowing and
they dotted my black concert file and
clarinet box i put my elbows on.

then i told them about what adrian chong said and
adrian ang reacted.
why cant i find any good friends
that dont actually betray me
or insult me?

after the long didnt-really-work talk from huiwen
and a little god-talk from eunice,
i still decided to go home anyway
though ql already opened the storeroom.

eunice decided to walk me home and she
gave me a lollipop.
it was then that
i realised she liked birds
and picking flowers and
pulling ppl's hair.

that walk with her was comforting
and then i reached home and i bade her goodbye.

upon reaching home, i
closed my room door and
turned on the air con and
sat on the floor and put my head against the
door and i dont know why
i cried again.

i kept thinking in my mind why
god wasnt there for me
and why couldnt he help me with anything
or even grant my prayers.

mummy came in again and
she asked whether i was sick
an she felt my forehead and
then asked me
whether i had been crying.

i shook my head again and
sniffed.
she asked whether i got the flu
and i said idont know.
she passed me a cup of bali water
and left my room.
i started tearing and
i turned on my phone music.
i sat there with the lollipop slowly melting in my mouth.
eventually i did drink the bali water
and i told mummy that i wanted to stay at home
when daddy and her went out for lunch.

she told me to eat the peanut rolls (or thats what i think its called) that
she bought yesterday.

and now both of them have gone out to eat and
i am currently listening to
i am the walrus.

--
god where are you?
why cant i feel you?
why cant i look like one of those pretty mean girls but still do everything right without people saying i am an actguaikia sc?
why dont people understand.

--
i still wonder what would have happened if i really jumped down from outside the band store room.
would i land on the grass or crack my head on the drain?
if i had really done that,
would they finally understand?
--

dear god,
i love you dearly,
but sometimes...
i cant feel you.
its almost like you're no longer close to me...
--

help
why do i feel so depressed for the past few months?
--

its almost like you're no longer close to me...
--

would they finally understand?