mannnda (:

May 4, 2009

dear god,

why am i so useless.
why can't i defend myself.
why do i let people walk over me like a mat.
why must i do everything.

the chinese compo, literally everything is done by me, except the beginning. (which xueyi has done, i think.) i knew gabriel sucked at chinese, so i instructed him on what to write in the ending in english, and then he would go home and ask his chinese tuition teacher to translate in chinese for him.

do i freaking look like a chinese tuition teacher?

in the morning.
gabriel: amanda, nah.(tosses paper onto my desk) help me translate into chinese.(about to leave)

i tried.

me: NO, no..., no! pass it to xueyi!!! (pushes paper to him)
gabriel: (walks away)

dont worry, i wont be an irresponsible idiot like you, i want to do well and so i'll do it. i'll do it for you.

i hope you break your other arm.

the world is so beautiful. the sky is so pretty. the sun is so glorious. the school is marvellous. the students are all so gorgeous, like models sashaying down the catwalk. why is everything so lovely...how i wish i could be like them. their lovely bangs plastered on their foreheads and their ponytails tied so high with a rubber band that had a colour other than black or blue.
you think i want to look like this...like a nerd. like some kind of...freak?
you think i want to be ugly?
you think i dont pray, dont ask god for help?
people always ask me whether im alright, why im so emo.
im alright, im not emo la! i would say.
but i dont know anymore.
i feel like giving up.
i dont want to run this race anymore.

sometimes i want to die.